Loss
by embrace-the-deception
Summary: For ShadowStar556. Jeff's brother has died and the last thing Jeff heard from him was 'I hate you'. Nick's there to comfort him. Niff friendship, relationship if you want to read it that way. Rated for swearing, death, etc. ONESHOT


**For ShadowStar556 - _Jeff's younger brother has died and Jeff thinks it's his fault. They had gotten in a fight right before and his younger brother got mad and left. The last thing Jeff heard from his brother was "I hate you". Nick comes over to comfort Jeff and Jeff finally tells someone what exactly happened and how he feels._**

**You requested it for Just Friends but it wouldn't have fit in there and I can't pass up the opportunity to write some angst, so here's a oneshot for you instead :) I hope it's okay!**

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><p>Why couldn't it rain?<p>

Jeff stared up at the bright sky, a perfect blue with only a few wispy clouds, the summer sun beaming down on the world beneath it. It was a beautiful day. But Jeff just wanted it to rain. Why did it have to be so cheery and sunny? There was nothing to be happy about. There was no reason for the sun to be shining. Why couldn't the weather be as miserable as he felt?

He'd had to walk away from everyone else – there were too many people, all wanting to talk to him – but everywhere was just as depressing. It made him angry. It wasn't fair. In his heart it was dark and dreary and sad, like it should be, while the rest of the world outside was bright and sunny and happy and _it wasn't fair_. Jeff sat down on the grass to one side of the path, away from the others, so he was out of the way. He wouldn't want to be in anyone's way. Though if there was one person whose way he could stand in, he would stand there forever. Maybe then none of this would have happened. If he'd stopped him from leaving, followed him, _not had the stupid argument in the first place_.

"Jeff?"

He was _so _not in the mood to deal with anyone else. Not even his friend. "Fuck off, Nick."

"No."

Jeff glanced up to see the brunette standing beside him, looking down at him impassively. He took a seat next to his friend, just staring straight ahead now and crossing his legs. Jeff wanted to tell him again to leave him alone. He didn't want to talk to anyone. He just wanted to be alone so he could wallow in his own misery and hate himself a little more. But Nick seemed content to just sit there in silence, so Jeff didn't say anything. He returned to staring at the sky, wondering if he could keep his eyes on the sun long enough to go blind. Then he wouldn't have to see all the disappointed faces. All the sadness. He wouldn't have to be faced with all the reminders that he was _gone_. All the reminders that the whole thing was _his fault_.

For ten minutes the pair sat there, neither moving nor speaking. Jeff liked it that way. But then Nick had to go and ruin it by turning his head slightly to fix his gaze on his friend. When he spoke, it was quietly and without blame – something Jeff had enough of at the moment, thank you very much. He appreciated that, but if Nick _knew_ what he'd done, he wouldn't be sat here now and even he would blame his friend. They all did, even if they didn't know it. They all guessed.

"Are you okay?"

It was like he was trying to provoke him. Of course he wasn't fucking okay. But Jeff didn't fall into the somewhat obvious trap. He continued to stare at the bright sky above him as he answered. "Yeah. I'm okay."

"You miss him?"

Oh God, now Nick was just screwing with him. Nick didn't want to be there when Jeff exploded, and it seemed that he was pushing the blonde further and further towards that point. There was no way he could answer that question calmly and rationally, because already anger was coursing through his body and he wanted to turn around and strangle Nick for even asking.

"Fuck you, Nick. I don't want to talk to you."

"Who do you want to talk to?"

Defeated, anger dissipating at the speed of light to be replaced by regret and sadness and guilt, Jeff hung his head and decided the ground was just as interesting as the sky today. "Toby. God, Nick, I want Toby. I want him back. _I want Toby_."

He leaned into the brunette and trembled, fighting back the tears he'd locked away since the accident. And he hated that word because it wasn't true. It wasn't an accident. Nick put an arm around Jeff and held him as it became harder and harder to keep the tears at bay. He'd sworn to himself he wasn't going to cry, but now that everything was coming back to the surface and he'd just finished saying goodbye to his brother _forever_ and God, it hurt so much to know that it was all his fault. Stray droplets leaked from under tightly closed eyelids as Jeff choked and shook violently, pain seeping to the surface as Nick whispered quietly, "It's okay, you can cry, it's okay."

Jeff shoved him away after a moment, guilt rising to trip him up. "No, it's not fucking okay. Toby… Toby's _dead_, he's _gone_, and God, it's…"

He trailed off, head in his hands as he forced the tears back once again. Nick's attempt at a comforting hand on his back was pushed away and finally the brunette sighed.

"It's what?"

Jeff was almost silent in his reply, barely breathing. "It's my fault."

Nick grabbed his friend's shoulders and shook him. "Jeff, it is _not _your fault. There was nothing you could have done. It wasn't your fault."

"I killed him," the blonde mumbled, letting Nick pull him into a hug, resting his head against the other's chest "I killed him, it was my fault, I didn't stop him."

"You didn't kill him. It was no one's fault. It was an accident. You couldn't have stopped him in time. No one could have. It wasn't your fault."

"You don't understand." And Nick couldn't understand. He could never understand the events that had led up to that terrifying, heart wrenching moment that Jeff couldn't stop reliving in his dreams every single night. He could never understand why Jeff was the one to blame.

"Then explain it. Tell me. Why is it your fault?" Nick asked, holding him close.

"I should have gone after him," Jeff said softly, and for the first time since the accident four months ago, told someone the story of that one night he wished had never happened.

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><p><em>Jeff heard the door shut quietly. Obviously Toby thought everyone was asleep and he would get away with sneaking out. He hadn't counted on Jeff noticing him slip out the door earlier that night, and he hadn't counted on his older brother staying up until two in the morning to confront him. Jeff sighed and walked out of the living room, catching Toby trying to make his way up the stairs. He stopped when the light flicked on, the younger staring down at his brother for a second before rolling his eyes.<em>

_"Why'd you sneak out?" Jeff asked, leaning on the doorframe._

_"It's none of your business," Toby shot back, folding his arms tightly across his chest defensively._

_The blonde glared. "You're my little brother – of course it's my business. Be grateful I didn't tell Mom. She'd kill you. I just want to talk."_

_"Well, I'm tired."_

_Toby moved to continue up the stairs and Jeff spoke again. "I don't care. We're going to talk. You're going to tell me why you snuck out."_

_"You're not Mom. You can't make me tell you anything." The fourteen year old turned and huffed angrily. Jeff just raised an eyebrow and chuckled, "You want Mom to know?"_

_"…No."_

_"Then spill. Why?"_

_Toby sighed, "Look, I just went over to Tate's place, alright?"_

_"Was it a party?"_

_"Maybe."_

_"Was there alcohol?"_

_Toby snorted, "Don't get all high and mighty on me about drinking underage. I know for a fact that you drink all the time when you go out with your friends."_

_Jeff sighed, "That's not what this is about. I just want to know that you were safe."_

_The younger boy paused before descending the stairs to face his brother, glaring defiantly up at him through his signature chestnut fringe. "Yes, because I went to Tate's party and got smash drunk and made out with a bunch of girls and had sex, which is why I'm _here_, at _home _right now and talking to you while throwing up on you and in a minute I'll just pass out from all that booze I drank. What the fuck do you care anyway?"_

_"I'm your brother, Toby, of course I care," Jeff replied calmly "I don't want you to get hurt."_

_"I can take care of myself!" Toby almost shouted but remembered their mother was asleep in the house just in time "Leave me alone! You're so freaking overprotective, it's annoying!"_

_"Toby…"_

_"You know what? I'm gonna stay with Jordan tonight."_

_He moved towards the door before Jeff could stop him. The blonde glared in anger and shouted, "And how do you think you're gonna get there? He lives on the other side of town!"_

_"That's not your problem," Toby snapped._

_The boy grabbed the door handle and was about to open it when Jeff snarled, "Fine, walk out then. Just like Dad did."_

_Toby froze and Jeff knew he'd gone too far. He'd crossed a line. Their father had left two years ago but the wounds will still raw and fresh. The man had just packed up and left, not bothering to try and keep in contact with any of the family. He'd simply disappeared. Rumour had it he was down in Texas but Jeff didn't care anymore – he'd grown to hate the man. But Toby and their father had had a stronger bond and the separation had hurt him deeply. It still hurt. _

_Jeff tried to apologise but Toby was already speaking. He turned to face his older brother with anger and sadness in his eyes, mixed with regret, and Jeff felt like someone had just stabbed him in the chest._

_"Fuck you, Jeff. I hate you."_

_And when Toby walked out the door, the knife in his chest was twisted sharply and Jeff didn't think he could breathe properly. God, what had he done? He wasn't sure whether to go after his brother or not, and so ended up slumped against the wall with his head in his hands._

_Less than ten seconds after the door had close there were two sounds, one after the other so close they were almost one._

_The squeal of braking tyres._

_A shout – cut short._

_Jeff took all of a second to scramble to his feet and run for the door. He flung it open and raced down the front path, already seeing the mess ahead and having to will himself to keep moving because it looked so _horrific_. He skidded onto the road, ignoring the car stopped in the middle of it, and dropped to his knees, skin scraping harshly, next to the deathly still form of his brother._

"_Toby?" Jeff shook him "Toby? God, wake up! Move! Toby!"_

_He held the unmoving body – it seemed so small now, despite the fact Toby was almost taller than his older brother – close to him, cradling Toby's head in his hands, seeing how much blood was covering _everything_ and how the boy's chest wasn't moving and God, what was he supposed to do?_

"_Jeff? Toby?" their mother's voice screamed as she ran towards them at the same time the driver stumbled from the car and watched them with wide eyes._

_"Oh my God, what did I do?" he asked, the shouts and cheers from the back obviously from his drunk friends. He was just the designated driver. He'd chosen the wrong night to drive._

_"He can't be dead. Toby, you can't be dead. No, you can't be."_

_He somewhat remembered the sirens of the ambulances when they arrived. He certainly remembered someone trying to take Toby's cold, still body away from him – he screamed and fought until he was held down by force and given a slight sedative to calm him down. It just made him numb and cold and unfeeling, staring helplessly as there was a shake of a head and Toby was covered over. _

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><p>As Jeff recounted the tale, he didn't bother trying not to cry. He let Nick hold him and rub his back and whisper to him as he sobbed uncontrollably and buried his head in the other's chest until he could barely breathe. It was only because Nick made him look up that he didn't suffocate, and didn't that just suck, because it would have been nice to get away from all the pain and guilt and despair.<p>

"I sh-should ha-ave gone after him," Jeff hiccupped, still not quite finished crying yet "Shouldn't have a-argued in the fir-first place."

Nick quietened him by running his fingers lightly through the blonde's hair with just enough pressure to make him sigh and relax his tense muscles. After being friends for so many years, they both knew each other's triggers and comforts, their anxieties and their relaxants. Nick continued to absently play with his friend's hair until the blonde had calmed down to a point where he could talk relatively coherently and wasn't as tightly wound as a spring – or a bomb waiting to explode.

"He loved you."

"No, he-"

Nick forced Jeff to look at him. "Jeff. He was your brother. He idolised you. He _loved _you. He only said what he said in the heat of the moment. And don't ever believe that it was your fault, because it wasn't. No one knew that car was going to be there. You couldn't have known and you couldn't have stopped it."

"If I hadn't argued with him… he wouldn't have been distracted. He would have seen the car. He would still be here. He would have gone to his room – he never would have been on the road! If I hadn't stayed up, he'd be okay right now."

"You're his brother; you had every right to be worried about him. And you can't live the rest of your life wondering about the 'what ifs'. It's happened now. You can't take it back and you can't change it. This is what you have to deal with now and I am going to help you deal with it, okay? You're going to get through this."

"I want Toby back," Jeff said sadly, resting his head on Nick's chest again.

The brunette nodded. "I know. I know exactly how you feel."

They stayed that way for a while. Some of the others who had come to say goodbye walked past as they left, glancing down at the boys with understanding. Jeff either didn't notice or didn't care. He just sat there, not moving, with no more tears to cry that day. Eventually Nick shifted and stood, pulling Jeff with him.

"Are we going to say goodbye, or do you just want to go home?" the brunette asked softly.

Jeff thought about that for a moment before he said just as quietly, "I can't just walk out without saying anything."

Nick wrapped an arm around his friend's waist to keep him stable and on his feet – he was wobbling dangerously and his legs shook from the strain of holding up a body that didn't want to be vertical – and they headed down the path. It didn't take long to reach the place. The dirt had only just been filled in and was still fresh and obvious to the whole world. Nick let go as Jeff dropped to his knees and ran his fingers lightly across the gravestone, standing back to give him some space.

_Tobias Sterling_

_2__nd__ January 1997 -18__th__ March 2011_

_Gone too soon. He will always be loved._

"Gonna miss you Toby," was all Jeff managed to whisper before a fresh wave of tears struck – it seemed there were more, just waiting in the wings. Nick hauled his friend to his feet again, hugging him as Jeff sobbed onto his shoulder.

"He's gone, Nick, he's _gone_ and it _hurts_, so much…"

"I know, J, I know. But it gets better, I promise. It won't go away, but it'll get better. Easier. Come on, let's go home."

And as they left, Nick let himself look back to glance at a small headstone with a simple inscription.

_Isabelle Duval_

_15__th__ June 1999 – 12__th__ April 2000_

_An angel._

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><p><strong>Please review :)<strong>


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